A Life's Purpose
by forthwrite
Summary: A distraught, disillusioned, and disheartened Harry does not take Sirius's death well, and resolves to commit suicide once he kills Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

'Avada Kedavra!'

Harry ducked instinctively, and watched the harsh green light streak past him, striking Sirius directly in the chest. His body slumped to the ground.

Harry froze, the battle around him forgotten. He ran to Sirius, and kneeled beside him, embracing his broken form in his arms. Sirius couldn't be . . . _couldn't _ be . . . . But Sirius remained still, unresponsive, oblivious to Harry and his pain.

In the last two years, Sirius had become not quite like a father to Harry, but something closer to an older brother, or an uncle. Harry desperately needed a loving parental figure who cared about him. Most of the wizarding world was interested in the Boy Who Lived, the famed wizard who had vanquished Voldemort. Sirius - along with Hermione, the Weasleys and Remus Lupin - cared for Harry Potter, for his emotions and feelings, and not just for the scar on his forehead. Sirius was the only adult who had ever made him feel loved and wanted.

And now he was crumpled on the floor, cradled in Harry's arms and would never hug Harry again. He would never tease Remus or yell at Kreacher or become Padfoot or curse Snape. He would never recover from his trip to Azkaban, get over his old grudges, or form new ones. Sirius was dead, and Bellatrix and Voldemort were going to _pay_ for taking away him away from Harry.

And once he was avenged, Harry was going to join him, was going to follow him into the bleak unknown that hovered just beyond human awareness. After all that happened, he didn't thing he had the strength to stay here, to play the role of 'hero' that wizarding society -Dumbledore!- was so determined he master. He wasn't a hero. He couldn't prevent Voldemort's resurrection. He hadn't even been able protect Cedric.

He was tired of being used. To Voldemort, he was a tool to enable his own rebirth. To Dumbledore, he was a convenient face to rally the masses while he plotted the demise of his arch-rival. To Fudge, he was a scapegoat to direct public attention away from his own incompetency.

And now, Harry was going to choose his own fate. He was going to be an avenging angel for all of the helpless victims of the dark Satan that had stained Britain with blood and fear in his undying quest for power.

Harry gently laid Sirius down on the cold Ministry stone floor. He stood up and drew his wand, his eyes taking in the battle around him. Neville was dueling Lucius, and was surprisingly holding his own. Kingsley was battling Dolohov, and Remus and Tonks had paired up against Bellatrix.

And Dumbledore was furiously dueling Voldemort. Dumbledore managed to dodge or repel all of Voldemort's spells, even as he himself hurled hex after curse after jinx at Voldemort. Voldemort was one of the best, most feared duelers in Britain, but it was obvious that even he was having difficulty in a one-on-one duel against Dumbledore.

Voldemort was not paying much attention to his surroundings, too busy concentrating on dueling Dumbledore. Doubtless, he thought that his Death Eaters would protect their leader from any possible danger. But all of the Death Eaters were fighting Order of the Phoenix members, and Voldemort was unprotected. And Harry saw his chance to avenge Sirius.

He took a couple of steps forward, ensuring that Voldemort was directly in his line of sight, that no other duels were between him and the Dark Lord.

'Avada Kedavra!' Harry yelled, jabbing his wand forward. Harry was sure that his anger was vast enough, fiery enough, cold enough to fuel the spell. A green beam jetted from his wand, and struck Voldemort's shoulder. Harry's lips twisted into a harsh smile, confident that Voldemort would die, that the war would be over, that magical Britain would be safe from this dangerous madman. Confident that he would be free to join Sirius.

And Voldemort crumpled to the floor. All of the Death Eaters froze, and turned to face their master. Harry took the opportunity to quickly fire another Avada Kedavra, this time at Bellatrix. Her body was sprawled on the ground, her body unnaturally still, her mouth twisted in a hard, frozen rictus of death.

Voldemort was dead. Bellatrix was dead. And Harry was free to die, to join Cedric, and Sirius. And his parents. A small lump formed in Harry's throat when he thought about his mum and dad.

He pointed his wand towards his chest, determined to do it, to end it. He dimly heard someone shouting at him, but ignored them. He knew he _could_ do it, that he hated himself, was angry at himself, enough to do it. Sirius and Cedric and his parents and countless innocents _died_ because of him. _His_ blood fueled Voldemort's return, and was thus at least partly responsible for all of the crimes Voldemort committed in the past year. Voldemort instigated a war just to get at Harry. People were hurt because of him, tortured because of him, killed because of him. They deserved justice, and he was going to give it to them. He _deserved_ to die, and would, to make up for all of the horrors that he caused.

He dimly heard someone yelling at him, but shrugged them off. His friends would be disappointed in him, he knew, but he would be dead, and wouldn't have to face them.

'Avada Kedavra,' he whispered.

He heard a strangled shout behind him.

A spell jolted into him.

The world went black.

Harry Potter was free, and at peace.

a/n:

Yeah, that was kinda dark.

I always felt that if HP wasn't marketed to kids, Harry would've been majorly depressed/suicidal for the last few books. Also, I feel that Harry should've had a much stronger reaction to Sirius's death than he did in canon.

Also, this seems to ignore Horcruxes. I'm not sure just what kind of setting I placed it in. Either Horcruxes don't exist, and he actually did manage to kill Voldemort. Or, much more interestingly, they do, and now that Harry's killed himself, there will be no one around to destroy Voldemort when he resurrects. I might decide to come back and write that one day. We'll see.

Anyway, reviews are nice :)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Interlude

_Radio Interview with Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge_

_Tuesday June 18, 1996_

**Anders: **This is Aurelia Anders, host of magical Britain's number one radio programme, _Night Owl. _With us tonight is Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge.

**FUDGE: **Thank you for having me tonight, Ms. Anders. It's been so long since you've had me on.

**Anders: **_drily_We're an unbiased news source, Minister. If we have too many Ministry officials as guests, the public might think we – unilaterally support your position.

**FUDGE: **Of course. I – I understand. But it would be nice to have some more airtime.

**ANDERS: **_quickly _I'm sure you're very busy right now, Minsiter. We can talk about it after everything calms down from today's surprising, ? proceedings. Minister, can you please tell us what happened today at the Ministry?

**FUDGE: **There was a duel, between Harry Potter and You-Know-Who. Within seconds of each other, they cast the Avada Kedavra spell, and both died instantaneously.

**ANDERS: **Wow, I mean, _wow_. In an instant, magical Britain's greatest menace and her greatest hero died. This is the biggest thing to happen since Voldemort tried to kill Harry Potter fifteen years ago.

**FUDGE: **Yes, Harry's managed to kill You-Know-Who twice now.

**ANDERS: **That's twice more than anyone else.

**FUDGE: **He was a very, very brave boy who gave his life for his country in its hour of need. Harry Potter will be remembered as a hero.

**ANDERS: **That's a pretty different tune than the one you've been singing for the last year. The _Daily Prophet _has quoted you as saying multiple times that Harry Potter is a liar, an arrogant, dangerous insurgent who was desperate for attention. _Audience boos. Anders raises voice to be heard over crowd. _

**FUDGE: **The _Daily Prophet _is entitled to voice its opinion. The Ministry strongly promotes freedom of speech.

**ANDERS: **There's a difference between having an opinion and outright lying to the public.

**FUDGE:**The _Daily Prophet _would never _lie_. Itmay sometimes – spin its stories in the interest of keeping the public calm and safe.

**ANDERS: **Just like the Ministry has.

**FUDGE: **I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

**ANDERS: **Over the last year, the Ministry has repeatedly denied that Voldemort has returned from the dead. How do you explain the battle last night between the Boy-Who-Lived and Voldemort that resulted in his corpse on the floor of the Department of Mysteries?

**FUDGE: **There may have been a few, ah, misunderstandings regarding You-Know-Who's return. He's back, obviously. But now he's dead. Let me repeat. He did, in fact, come back, but now he's gone again. Nobody should panic.

**ANDERS: **_Drily._Thank you for clarifying, Minsiter. I think it's time for our next guest. After the break, Auror Alistair Moody will be telling us more about the Battle.

_Daily Prophet_

_Wednesday June 19, 1996_

**VOLDEMORT VANQUISHED**

**BOY-WHO-LIVED DIES**

Yesterday, Harry Potter, the only known survivor of the Avada Kedavra curse, managed to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in a frenzied battle in the Ministry's own Department of Mysteries. In a courageous act of sacrifice, Potter engaged in a one-on-one duel with You-Know-Who. Both duelers cast the Avada Kedavra spell within seconds of each other, and both died instantaneously.

Most readers will remember You-Know-Who's reign of terror twenty years ago. In a quest for power, You-Know-Who killed, tortured, and terrorized mercilessly. His reign of terror only ended when he tried to kill Potter, a one-year old baby. For reasons unknown, the killing curse rebounded off of Potter and struck You-Know-Who instead. Potter emerged from that night an unscathed orphan, while it was assumed that You-Know-Who had died.

During the last task of last year's Triwizard Tournament, Potter and fellow Hogwarts' Champion, Hufflepuff Cedric Diggory, disappeared from Hogwarts grounds after simultaneously touching the winner's trophy. Hours later, Potter returned alone, clutching Diggory's body and proclaiming that You-Know-Who had returned.

While Albus Dumbledore publicly endorsed this claim, the Ministry was hesitant to confirm You-Know-Who's return. Yesterday, Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge issued a statement: 'It appears there have been some, ah, misunderstandings regarding You-Know-Who's return. He's back, obviously. But now he's dead. He did, in fact, come back, but now he's gone again. Nobody should panic. The Ministry has everything under control.'

Supporters of both You-Know-Who and Potter were present at the battle yesterday as well, and dueled with each other while You-Know-Who and Potter fought. Death Eaters Sirius Black, Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, and Antonin Dolohov, as well as an unknown number of others, fought Light supporters Albus Dumbledore, Aurors Alastair Moody and Nymphadora Tonks, and former Defense Professor Remus Lupin. Several of Potter's school friends participated as well, including Gryffindors Ronald Weasely, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, and Ginny Weasely, as well as Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood.

It is unclear why Potter and his friends were in the Ministry and not in school. Headmistress Dolores Umbridge was unavailable to comment. It is also unclear what precipitated this battle at the Ministry.

Other causalities of the battle include Death Eater Sirius Black. Black was Potter's godfather, and was in Azkaban for twelve years before becoming the first individual to ever escape the island prison. He has spent the last two years on the run in England. Bellatrix Lestrange, Azkaban escapee and one of You-Know-Who's top lieutenants, also died. Other than Potter, no Light supporters died yesterday.

Lucius Malfoy, one of Hogwarts' School Board Governors, was revealed to be a Death Eater yesterday. Malfoy was suspected to have Dark leanings during the War seventeen years ago, but was never tried in court. He now awaits trial, and if convicted, will be sent to Azkaban.

Potter's funeral will take place on Hogwarts grounds this Saturday.

_Saturday, June 22, 1996_

_Fifth Year Gryffindor Boys' Room_

Ron was sitting on his bed, his back up against the wall, Hermione curled into his side. Luna and Ginny were sitting on Neville's bed, while Neville slowly paced the room.

It was just after Harry's funeral, and the five of them had found themselves in his room, subconsciously trying to be close to Harry even though they would never see him again. They'd been sitting around for a while now, quiet and still, very carefully not looking at Harry's bed or any of his things.

'I can't believe Harry did that,' Ginny eventually whispered, breaking the silence.

'You mean –.' He couldn't finish the sentence.

'Yeah,' she said. 'I know he was upset about Sirius, but I didn't think he could – he could –'

'Why didn't he tell us?' Hermione asked. 'That he was - hurting?' Her voice cracked. 'If we knew, we could've done something to help him, could've maybe prevented this.'

'Maybe he didn't want us to,' Neville said. 'Maybe he was so desperate to die that he didn't want us to have a chance to talk him out of it.'

'Why didn't we notice?' Ron whispered. 'He's my best friend. How did I not notice?'

Beside him, Hermione burst into tears. He began stroking her arm, a comforting gesture that had calmed her from some of her many bouts of crying over the last few days.

'None of us noticed, Ron,' Ginny said. 'You can't blame yourself. All of us were his friends, and all of us are equally at fault here.'

'Ginny, he was _suicidal_. It was obvious he was having a bad year, but I don't think any of us realized it was that bad. How can we call ourselves his friends if we didn't notice that?' Ron asked.

'I think he tried hiding just how bad off he was from us,' Neville said. 'I wasn't as close to him as you two were,' he nodded towards Ron and Hermione, 'but it was pretty obvious he wasn't doing too good. But like I said, I don't think _anyone_ suspected he was suicidal.'

'Great,' Ron said. 'So we're either bad friends because we didn't notice Harry was suicidal and depressed, or we're bad friends because he didn't trust us enough to talk to us. Everyone, pick the option you're most comfortable living with for the rest of your life.'

'Ron, you're not helping,' Hermione said, hiccupping. Tears were still streaming down her face, but she seemed to be a bit calmer now. 'You can't blame yourself – or us – for this.'

'My best friend just killed himself, Hermione,' Ron said. 'How can I _not_ blame myself?'

'Because you didn't know what he was feeling, and there's nothing you could have done to stop him,' she said, her voice still unsteady. 'Harry was having a really bad year. He was having nightmares about Cedric. He was having visions of Voldemort torturing people. The wizarding press called him insane, and the public and most of his schoolmates believed it. The government hated him, and several of his teachers enjoyed making his life a living hell. He was understandably having a difficult time of it, and within what you knew about what he was feeling, you tried to help. You did everything you could do to help him, given what you knew about the situation. You didn't know more, so you couldn't do more.'

'But that's exactly what I'm saying, Hermione,' Ron said. 'I should've known more. I should've been able to do more. I'm his best mate, and I let him stew in a muddle of negative emotions till the point that he decided to commit suicide.'

'But you didn't know. You couldn't have fixed things that you didn't know about.'

'But I should've.'

'Ron, we all should've. And I know that we all feel incredibly guilty that we didn't,' Hermione said. Ginny and Neville both nodded. Luna didn't, but she also didn't seem like she was following the conversation. 'But the only way to get over this is to understand that you did everything that you could. Maybe you _should've_ done more, but the way thing stood, you couldn't have. We're all going to have to learn to accept that.'

'And hope that Harry forgives us for not doing more,' Ginny said.

'He's not dead,' Luna said suddenly. 'He's still here.'

Hermione sighed. 'Luna, honey, I know you'd like to think that, but he Avada Kedavra'ed himself. He's dead.'

Luna didn't answer, just stared out the window, a dreamy expression on her face.

_Saturday, June 22, 1996_

_Headmaster's Office_

Albus Dumbledore trudged up to his office, his heart bleeding grief and mind weeping guilt. Harry was a hero, one that the Light side desperately needed and Dumbledore allowed him to die.

Even worse, he lied to the entirety of wizarding Britain, gave them false hope by heralding Voldemort's demise when he himself believed Voldemort wasn't truly dead. He couldn't be, not with his Horcruxes.

Of course, Dumbledore didn't know how many Horcruxes Voldemort had in fact made. For all he knew, Tom Riddle's diary had been the only one, and now that it's been destroyed, Voldemort had actually died.

But he didn't believe that, not in the blackest depths of his heart. Voldemort wouldn't have created only one Horcrux. He feared death too much. He didn't necessarily want to live, but was desperate to _survive. _The fear of the unknown terrified him. He wanted to forever cling to the mortal plane in an attempt to stave off facing the grim unknown that Dumbledore knew all mortals must eventually accept. Voldemort wanted to escape death, and was powerful enough, arrogant enough, to think he might cheat it out of its rightful claim.

Voldemort had almost certainly created more than one Horcrux. It was time to investigate them, do his best to destroy them. Because Voldemort would be coming back.

And there would be no Harry Potter to save them next time.

A firm knock at the door interrupts his musings.

'Come in,' he called.

Minerva entered his office.

'I think you might want to speak with Harry's friends, Albus,' she said. 'They're – distraught, especially Miss Granger and Mr. Weasely.'

'Understandably, Minerva. Would you be so kind as to get them?'

She nodded, and turned to leave. Her hand was on the doorknob when she asked, 'Are you sure? You seem a bit - rattled yourself. Maybe you should take some more time for yourself first.'

'We are all grieving, Minerva, each in his or her own way. Despite Voldemort's death, I cannot imagine that many wizards are celebrating tonight. If Mr. Weasely needs to shout, and Miss Granger needs to cry, I can serve as the object of their frustration and anger for an hour. They have a right to hate me, after what I caused.'

'Albus! You can't mean to imply that you believe _you're_ responsible for Potter's death?'

'I am.'

'But Voldemort cast the Avada Kedavra on him. There's nothing that you could've done! It's a tragedy, but it's not your fault,' she said. 'Albus, I know you were close to him, but please don't blame yourself.'

He sighed deeply. 'Voldemort didn't kill him. Harry cast the Avada Kedavra on himself, after casting it on Voldemort.'

Minerva gaped, and sank into the nearest chair, the big armchair beside the window. 'You mean he –'

He nodded. 'He committed suicide.'

'But – but why?' she asked. 'I know he had a rough year, between Umbridge and Fudge and seeing Cedric die in the Tournament, so I've been keeping an eye on him. But he never seemed – suicidal.'

'I don't believe he intended to kill himself at the Ministry. I think it was an impulsive decision, largely fueled by Sirius's death.'

'Albus. Harry was clearly upset, and made an awful decision, but you can't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to stop him.'

There wasa presence in the room. He could feel it, floating nearby. A hovering shadow that cast a dim pallor over him. He shivered slightly, but continued talking to Minerva. She didn't seem to notice it, and he could investigate it once she left.

'However much I wish to believe that, I cannot help but feel I have let the boy down. Harry was under much emotional tension this year, and snapped when he witnessed his godfather's death. If I were a bit more honest, if I were a better mentor, perhaps Harry could've released his emotions in a safe, controlled environment, instead of resorting to suicide when Sirius died.'

'Then you must blame me too,' Minerva said, standing up and crossing the office to stand before Dumbledore. 'I didn't help him any more than you did.'

'I will admit it's a collective failure, Minerva,' he said with a tired, empty smile. 'None of us - neither the Order, nor his teachers - expected this, but all of us could have perhaps prevented this if we paid more attention.'

'At least he managed to kill Voldemort before he went,' Minerva whispered.

Dumbledore shook his head. 'No. He felt like he could only die _after_ he killed him. He was tethered to the mortal realm by his desire to protect innocents from Voldemort. Once he removed the threat, he was free to go.'

Minerva was quiet for a moment. 'We can't let the truth get out,' she said. 'The public needs a hero right now. And – and Harry deserved to be remembered as one.'

'I agree,' Dumbledore said. 'This will remain within the Order, and whoever was at the Battle. The Death Eaters present have had the memory removed. And now I believe it is time to speak with Miss Granger and Mr. Weasely about the events of the last week.'

'I'll go fetch them.'

She got up and left the room.

Dumbledore felt the presence coalesce into a dim, black shadow. Just by looking, it was nearly impossible to tell it was there. It was just a patch of air slightly darker, slightly dimmer, than its surroundings. It was the sort of thing that you only just saw out of the corner of your eyes, but only when you weren't deliberately looking for it, was the sort of thing that you would very carefully try to ignore once you glimpsed it. The sort of thing you would pray wouldn't notice you.

It felt rather similar to a ghost; present, but ephemeral. But, ghosts were content creatures, satisfied to observe the living world through death's window. In contrast, this presence felt heavy and desperate, pregnant with desire and anguish. It was a breath –an eternity - away from death, but was somehow tied to the mortal plane. It could come back to life, if circumstance and fate conspired to twist the natural order. And it seemed that it desperately, desperately wanted to return.

And was desperate to force fate's hand to allow it to do so.

Dumbledore felt a faint shiver of worry tremble through his body. After he died last time, Voldemort had been alive, in a sense, trapped in the netherworld between life and death. Too alive to be a ghost, but too dead to form a corporeal body. Tom Riddle had been much the same until Ginny Weasely poured her lifeblood – her thoughts, her _emotions _– into him. Harry had been so young when he rescued her that he hadn't even realized the inherent, awful horror of the creature he had faced.

And now a similar shade haunted his office.

'Hello, Headmaster,' Harry's familiar – ethereal, unworldly - voice rasped.


End file.
